Obedience

Well......I haven't blogged in quite a while, not because I didn't have anything to write about but just the opposite.  There are so many topics I want to write about but I took time to pray for direction instead of jumping the gun and writing without true direction from God.  This blog was started out of obedience to God and I want to be obedient to what He wants me to share. 

Obedience is the key to God's blessings on your life.  When I first started this blog I was going through a valley so to speak, a dark time in my life.  Many times in our lives we question God as to why we are going through a valley, why us, why can't I just be happy, why, why, why?  If we will take a step back and truly look at the situation, many times the valley or that dark time in our lives is a direct result of disobedience.  As parents, we try to instill the importance of obedience in our children but yet we aren't always obedient to God.

As a mother, I have said many times to my children, "Life would be a lot easier for you if you will just obey the first time.  It's not hard."  While that statement is true it's also not true.  Hang on...don't tune me out just yet.  I'm not talking out of both sides of my mouth.  Life would be easier if we would just obey the first time.....but it's not always easy to do so.  Many times doing what is right and being obedient brings pain, disappointment, and frustration.   Disobedience isn't always a selfish act like we are so prone to think.  Many times we are disobedient because we want to make others happy, we don't want to bring trouble to others, or we don't want to bring heartache to others.  But as Christians, God commands us to be obedient.  He knows it will be uncomfortable, hard, troubling, and even sad but I can speak from experience.....He WILL reward you for your obedience.  He promises us in Deuteronomy 28:1-2 He will bless us for being obedient. 

Sadly, I can't report that I have always been obedient to God, His commandments, or His voice.  Many times, I was disobedient because I was scared.  I was afraid of what would be exposed if I was obedient.  I have been disobedient out of selfish reasons.   I didn't want to give up what I was enjoying or I had my eyes set on something that I wanted that I thought would fulfill me.  The consequences for my disobedience were far greater than the temporary satisfaction I felt at the time.  However, I can report that the blessings of being obedient are far greater than anything I could have ever imagined.   Obedience brings peace, contentment, love, honor, and most of all approval from God.  It may not seem like it at the time but it makes all things right. 

While writing this blog post, my mind took me back to when my boys were small.   They "played" church often.  We didn't have a television for many years so church, music, and books were all they knew.  Many times while cleaning the house, I would hear them in their playroom taking turns preaching and singing.   One of the songs they sang often was simple but holds a lot of truth.  It was the "Obedience Song." 

Obedience is the very best way, to show that you believe.
Doing exactly what the Lord commands, doing it happily.
Action is the key - do it immediately, joy you will receive.
Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe.
O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E

Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe.

As we get older our self will becomes stronger and obedience is often harder for us.  We could avoid a lot of heartache, trouble, self destruction, etc....if we would only obey God.  Just as the song says....it's the very best was to show we believe. 

Promises That Are True

A promise can be defined as a verbal agreement by one person agreeing to do or not do something in the future.  We all make promises at some time or another.  Many times we are able to keep those promises and sometimes unfortunately we aren't.  Sadly, some make promises that they never intended to keep.  The bible is full of promises that God has made to us.  He is one who never breaks His promise.  I was reminded of just that this week. 

My daughter, Kennedy, had surgery on Monday to remove her tonsils and adenoids.  Having the surgery was the best thing for her, but as the time approached I started to become very anxious.  The thought of my baby being put to sleep scared me to death.  I hated that I could only go back so far with her and then had to place her and my trust in the doctor's hands.  I tried to hide my fears from Kennedy.  She too had become anxious and was asking a lot of questions.  I assured her there were a lot of people praying for her and that God would take care of her.  I told her she needed to claim Psalm 56:3.  She repeated the verse over and over and I could tell God gave her peace about her surgery.  

We arrived at the hospital at 9:00am and headed to registration.  After all the necessary paperwork work was signed, the registration employee asked Kennedy if she minded if she prayed with her.  I was blown away.  I worked for that hospital for many years, had several procedures done there, and not once have I ever had an employee ask if they could pray with me.  Kennedy said, "Please, I'm a little nervous but I know He will be with me."  She held Kennedy's hands and prayed one of the sweetest prayers I think I've ever heard.  We then headed upstairs for her to be prepped for surgery. 

An hour or more was spent prepping Kennedy for surgery.  There were several nurses in and out of the room asking a thousand questions, starting her IV, and explaining what would be done in the OR.  I started to get nervous.  Psalm 56:3 started rolling over and over in my heart.  "What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee."  "What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee."  "What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee."  Soon, a surgical tech came to take her to surgery.  Her dad and I followed as they wheeled her to the OR doors.  Fighting back tears, I kissed her, told her I loved her, and that everything was going to be fine.  I watched as the OR doors closed and I couldn't see her anymore.  Walking to the waiting room, I again started quoting, "What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee." 

I went to the waiting room and sat down next to my mother, step-dad, and sister.  I told them she was now in surgery, I posted on Facebook she was now in surgery, and then my heart sank.  I felt helpless.  It was the same feeling I had when she almost died when she was two weeks old.  God quickly reminded me that He gave me a promise then that she would live.  He kept his promise then and He would keep it now.  I felt an amazing peace come over me.  I knew my baby would be fine. 

To fill you in on the promise He gave me when she was two weeks old is a long story.  I will give you the condensed version.  In an earlier post I talked about how history repeats itself.  Just like me, Kennedy almost died when she was two weeks old.

We were at church on a Wednesday night and she got choked on baby formula.  We didn't know it at the time but she had gastroesphageal reflux.   When she choked, her larynz started producing mucus and it formed a seal in the back of her throat.  She started turning blue.  She was not breathing.  My friend, Darla...who is a nurse, was standing nearby became very concerned.  I literally threw Kennedy to her and she immediately started CPR.  EMS arrived and started suctioning her throat.  The seal was popped; she gasped for air, and started crying.  It was music to my ears.  We spent three more days in the hospital while a battery of tests was done.  We were sent home with an apnea monitor, medicine for reflux, and were told it would most likely happen again.  I was a nervous wreck.  Susan Smith had just confessed to killing her little boys (who were close to my boys ages) and all I could think about was I couldn't imagine burying one of my kids.  I was so scared she was going to die. 

Sitting in Sunday school the next week, I was holding her and thinking how protective I was being of her but I had to trust God to take care of her.  I started flipping through my bible.  I wasn't looking for anything in particular.  I didn't stop long enough on a page to really read anything but a couple of verses jumped out at me in Exodus, chapter 1  The story was being told of how the new king of Egypt ordered the midwives to kill all the newborn males but that the daughters would be saved alive.   Every verse that had "the daughter shall live" popped off the page at me.  I began to cry.  I knew God was telling me my daughter would live.  I rested in His promise! 

You see, I've lived long enough to know that God's word never fails.  He doesn't go back on His promises.  I can recall numerous times in my life where He fulfilled promises He made to me. He is the one person I can always count on.  I've been told before it was just coincidence that things worked out, it was meant to be, and the power of positive thinking made whatever I was hoping for or needed to come true.  I strongly disagree.  I serve a living, breathing, powerful, and awesome God who cannot lie.  I choose to trust in Him than to gamble on coincidence and the power of positive thinking.  

It Is Well

The past few days I have been on an emotional roller coaster.  I have family who needs God to perform a miracle for them, friends who are in a troubled relationships, and it seems everywhere I turned I was reminded of bad choices I have made.  On the other hand, I have also been encouraged and God answered several prayers this week.  I woke up this morning though with a heavy heart.  I tried to pray but felt like my prayers were just hitting the ceiling and not reaching Heaven like I so desperately need them to.  I paced around the house for a little bit and even went for a drive.  I had not gone far when I felt God nudging at my heart to turn around, go back home, and get on my knees.  I did just that.  I fell on my knees, buried my head in the sofa, and started to pray.  Again, I felt like what I was praying was just bouncing off the ceiling.  Then the words to the old hymn written by Annie Hawks in 1872, "I Need Thee Every Hour" came to mind and start pouring out of my heart and mouth, first through tears and a broken voice and then with strength and surety.



"I Need Thee Every Hour"

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

Refrain:
I need Thee, oh I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now my Savior;
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;
Temptations lose their pow'r when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.

I need Thee every hour, teach me Thy will;
Any Thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
Oh, make me Thine indeed, Thou blessed Son. 

Once I had finished with the words of the song, I immediately felt like God said to me, "I've heard you now I want you to listen."  I'm not exactly sure how long but I stayed on my knees in silence just listening.  I wish I could tell you He gave me direct answers to my questions, deliverance, and complete healing while I was listening.  What He did give me though was peace that He wasn't going to leave me or those that I have been so burdened for to fend for ourselves.  He told me to trust Him with all of my heart and to acknowledge Him.  He told me to give my past to Him, trust Him with my future, and to honor Him for He is my Lord.
Peace of God is an amazing thing.  Words can't truly describe what it feels like.  I got up from my knees with the words of another old hymn in my heart written by Horatio Spafford in 1873, "It Is Well with My Soul"

"It is Well with My Soul"

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well; it is well, with my soul.


It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.


This hymn has brought me through some of the darkest days of my life.  I've known the story behind this hymn for a long time and would often think I don't know how I could have gone through what Horatio Spafford did and be able to pen down those words and mean them.  Many times I would sit at our piano and play this over and over and cry.  My heart would be breaking for things that my family and I were going through but then I would start to think about Spafford.  My difficult times were/are very real but nothing compared to what he went through so how can I not say it is well with my soul?  I can say and I must say...... Even so, it is well with my soul!!!

Something Money Can't Buy

There is so much on my mind and heart right now it's hard for me to decide what I should write about first.  God is doing an amazing work in my life.  It's been bittersweet....to say the least.  In most cases when He purges things from your life it is painful but if you can just hang on long enough you will see that it is for your good and it will bring Him honor and glory.  Over the past few days He has allowed me to see a glimpse of what He has in store for me.  My prayer is I won't give up and will allow Him to continue to make and mold me into what He wants me to be. 

Yesterday was my birthday.  It was the first time since having myklm3 (Kellan, Kyle, and Kennedy) that they all weren't with me to celebrate.  Kellan sings with Beyond The Ashes and wasn't able to come home because they had a concert in Alabama.  He called though and sang "Happy Birthday" to me.  Kennedy worked hard at surprising me by decorating the house with birthday decorations and planning a surprise dinner for me.  I thought just she and I were going to dinner but when we arrived she had arranged for my mom and step-dad, Kyle, and my nephew Duncan to meet us there.  When my step-dad, Kyle, and Duncan are together there is NEVER a dull moment.  I literally laughed until I cried. 

During one point at dinner I sat there and just looked at everyone and thought I am truly blessed.  I have the best family.  My family is a diverse bunch.  We have very conservative Republicans, liberal Democrats, and some who really don't care either way.  We have some who are Baptists, Pentecostal, Contemporary, and some who are not affiliated with a denomination.  We have some who are artistic, musically talented, and an IQ of a genius.  We are loud, opinionated, and love to debate a subject we are passionate about.   We love each other, are loyal to each other, and are there for each other through good times and bad.  We don't care if someone dates someone that is another race, if someone is gay, or if they have been married multiple times.  We accept each other no matter what.  We drive each other insane sometimes but we refuse to be torn apart.  We are a family; I love it, and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. 

I received several gifts and loved each one.  The love and attention that was put into each card and gift was evident.  The best gift I received was one that money cannot buy.  I received the gift of forgiveness from someone that I had wronged.  I won't go into details as it is a private matter but I have to say receiving forgiveness is an amazing feeling.  Several weeks ago I followed God's instruction and apologized for something I had done.  I was told they accepted my apology but the words "I forgive you" wasn’t spoken.  All I could do then was pray that someday they could find it in their heart to forgive me not necessarily for me but for them.  Harboring anger, bitterness, and hatred can destroy someone mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually and keep them in bondage for a long time.  I did not want this person to go through that.  I prayed desperately for weeks that forgiveness would come.  Monday, I received an email with the sweet words of "I forgive you."   I can't begin to tell you how happy it made me.......not just for me but mainly for them.  We both are free now.  Forgiveness is a precious gift and should be cherished. 

Random Thoughts Again

I've been really busy since I got home from work.  I couldn't think of anything to blog about and didn't really have time to sit down and put a whole lot of thought into it.  So- it's random thoughts again for tonight. 

• I am still doing research on the blog post I told you about a few days ago.  I am trying to prepare myself mentally because I know there will be many who will not agree with me. 
• Kennedy and I started walking this week.  :)
• I think my dog is getting high off the candle I have lit. 
• I have received a lot of text messages, emails, and facebook messages about this blog.  Everyone has been so encouraging.  Several have shared similar stories with me, told me that they can relate, and have been so kind to tell me what they read touched their heart and helped them.  Every message has left me teary eyed.  Y'all are so sweet.  Words can't express how much it means to me.  My hope and prayer was that if I could help one person who was going through a difficult time it would be worth it all.  I can say already.....It is worth it. 
• My birthday is next week.  I can't believe I will be 42. 
• Prince will be at the Bi-Lo Center in Greenville the day before my birthday.  Tickets to see him would be the perfect birthday present.  ;)
• I love to read.  I just finished Steven Furtick's book, "Sun Stand Still."  It rocked my world.  Just like Joshua, I am praying some "Sun Stand Still" prayers.  I believe God can make the sun stand still for me just like he did for Joshua. 
• I am trying to stay awake long enough to watch the "Tonight Show"  Kyle will be in the audience tonight.  Hopefully, I will get to see him. 
• As hard as it is for me to accept.....I really don't understand some people.  (This subject will be a blog post soon...I'm sure.)
• The worst feeling in the world to me is disappointment.  It breaks my heart to feel disappointed by the actions of those I care about. 
• I have been reminded lately of something Kellan says a lot.  "He is faithful even when I am not." 
• Past behavior predicts future behavior.  It is easy to point a finger and say that about people we know who have screwed up, confessed their sin, and is trying to move on.  To be perfectly honest with you.....that statement scares me because of some bad choices I have made.  I don't want my past bad behavior to predict my future behavior.  I find myself only wanting that statement to apply to me when my behavior is good. 
• I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman.  I want to be like Esther, Ruth, Lydia, Mary, and Hannah.  The poet Janette..ikz says it best.  Watch the attached video.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igCj3jsbcqs

  

Thrown for a Loop

Several weeks ago, someone made a statement that has really been bothering me.  I will get to what was actually said in a moment but I must first preface it with the following……

My mother makes the statement often, "When Fredda sets her mind to do something, you can bet it's going to be done."  I appreciate her saying that but I always cringe when I hear it.  I just don't see myself that way.  As a single mother I know there are many things I have to take care of myself.  I handle the finances, have the oil changed, change light bulbs, replace air filters, take out the garbage, cook, clean, do the laundry, provide clothing and shelter for my children, etc.  I see it as my responsibility not that I have set my mind to do something.  If something needs to be done I either do it or I hire someone to do it.  Period! 

My friend Darla describes me as very strong and independent.  Just like with mother, I cringe when I hear her say that.  I don't see myself as strong and independent at all.  I know my weaknesses.  I hate feeling vulnerable.  I have to stay on a schedule or my life will get out of control fast.  Because of an unstable childhood and marriage, I crave stability.  I had to get to the point where I looked to God for stability and find stability within myself.  I don't see that as making me strong and independent, I see it as I did what I had to do in order to survive and still do.  

As I told you in a previous post, it took me a long time to share with others concerning the problems in my marriage.  My family knew absolutely nothing concerning our problems when my husband and I first separated in 1999.  However, a few years earlier while visiting with my Mema she pulled me to the side and said, "I don't know what is going on but I want you to know there are worse things than being alone."  I looked at her and only said, "Yes ma'am."  Her words pierced my heart but also gave me courage.  I realized then that I could make it on my own and being single and lonely wasn’t near as painful as being married and lonely. 

I make the statement often, "I don't have to have a man in order to survive."  I'm sure it comes across as cocky but that is not at all how I mean it.  I mean it as I don't need a man to support me or my children.  I know some women who think they just can't function financially, physically, or emotionally without a man.  I do not feel that way.  I don't look at men as someone who is a candidate for the "supplier of my needs."  Instead, I think a man should be a woman’s partner, her equal, lover, friend, and confidant.  I have learned to trust in God for the things I need and to use the knowledge and resources He has supplied me with to take care of my needs. 

I was talking to someone recently and I shared with him how Darla describes me.  He looked at me and said, "Yeah, I see that."  It was the next sentence he spoke that has really been bothering me.  He said, "You come across as you don't need anyone."  His tone was not malicious or unkind.  As far as I know, he has no clue that his statement really threw me for a loop.  I immediately started thinking of everyone I feel like I need in my life.  I've realized since he made that statement, I have kept the people in my life that I love and need from knowing in some way, shape, or form that I do need them. I ignored the fact that everyone wants to feel needed by the ones they love.  I don't love easily but those I do love I show them love easily.  I have figured out that subconsciously I think if I admit that I need someone it shows weakness, sets me up for rejection, and ultimately to be hurt.  I lived miserable for many years and I have the mindset now that I refuse to live that way ever again.  Because of that mentality, I obviously come across as I don't need anyone.  The truth of the matter is...I do need people.  The last few weeks I’ve had to admit that to myself and now it’s time to admit it to others. 

The task before me now is to make known to the people in my life that I truly need them.  I won't name names now but I will say........If you have been an active part in my life within the last two years, please know and believe I love you and .......I NEED YOU!!!!

Stay Tuned

For days now I have wanted to blog but just didn't know how to put into words what all I have been thinking about.  The topic is controversial.  I've had several conversations about it lately and have had some people just look at me like they didn't know what to think and yet some have completely agreed.  Before I write about it I want to do some research in order to support my opinion.  My hope and prayer is it will enlighten and encourage someone who is hurting, going through a difficult situation, or at least give them something to truly think about.  We often seek advice from people who are in a position of authority, a pastor, or someone close to us.  That is all well and good if that person has been through a similar situation and has overcome it but too often those giving advice have never been through what you are going through.  I'm not an expert on the subject I will write about but I have been through it and with God's grace and help, I overcame it. 

In the mean time I want to share a couple of songs that have been an incredible help to me lately. 

"I Have to Believe" by Rita Springer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5qlEUayQAY


"Stronger" by Mandisa

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emgv-VRtMEU

Random Thoughts

I am mentally exhausted so it's my random thoughts tonight that you get. Enjoy!   :) 

• I couldn't think of anything to write tonight.
• I love living in Easley now.  While getting ready to cook tonight my mother invited us to her house for dinner.  :)
• My dog (Macie) seriously needs to go to the groomers.
• I miss my boys like crazy.  I hate they are all grown up now. 
• I love watching "One Tree Hill" with my baby girl.
• I have beach fever.
• I love the smell of clorox.
• So thankful for my friend, Tim Copeland.  He always makes me laugh when I need to most.
• I didn't realize it until recently but when I am stressed out, I pace...just like my daddy used to. 
• I have always struggled with weight issues. I thought I was an emotional eater but obviously I was wrong.  I've lost almost fifteen pounds in less than three weeks.  Guess I shouldn't complain....at least I am losing. 
• I love my family and friends dearly but I don't fall in love easily. 
• I wish there was a hot line to Heaven.  I would love to be able to talk to my daddy.
• Feet are gross. 
• I cannot get this song out of my head....which is a good thing really....
• My hope is built on nothing less
  Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
  I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
  But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.
• On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
  All other ground is sinking sand;
  All other ground is sinking sand.
• I'm watching the news.  Michael Cogdill's hair really bothers me.
• I wish I could twitch my nose like Samantha Stevens (Bewitched)  Oooohhh...the things I would change.
• You should watch Perry's message from this past Sunday.  He confessed several things he struggles with.  You can check it out here:  www.newspring.cc
• Going to have "girl talk" with my baby girl. 

Goodnight all! 

Never Alone

Three out of four of my posts have drained me emotionally.  Don't get me wrong....I'm not complaining.  The first post was scary to write.  It was taking the first step in doing what God had been dealing with me for months about.  The second post was easy to write.  It was just telling a story I had been told my entire life.  The third made me feel very vulnerable.  It showed weakness and strength.  It showed defeat but yet hope.  The fourth.....Wow!!.... It took a lot out of me.  It forced me to remember moments of my life that were very emotional for me.  I had suppressed a lot of those emotions but writing them down last night was freeing.  When I finished I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of my chest. 

I wanted today's post to not be as "heavy" as those were.  I tried to think of something funny to say, tell some cute story about my kids, or something Candi and I did growing up that our mother still doesn't know about but I couldn't think of anything. I tried to think about the events of the day but again nothing came to mind that was funny.  All that came to mind to describe the day was my favorite bible verse. 

I always struggle this time of year with the time change.  I am a night owl and the effects of losing an hour of sleep stays with me for a good month or more.  It seems sometimes just when I get used to the time change it changes again.  I slowly crawled out of bed this morning not looking forward to the busy day ahead of me.  I would have given my first born to Father Time just to have one more hour of sleep.  ( Kellan - I change my mind now...love you...mean it  :) ) 

Anyway....Kennedy and I left the house early this morning headed to Greenville for an appointment with an ENT.  She has to have surgery in a few weeks to remove her tonsils and adenoids.  She has suffered with chronic sinusitis and strep for a long time.  Hopefully, she will finally be completely well after having the surgery. 

After leaving the doctor’s office, we headed back to Easley so she could go to school and then I headed to Anderson for work.  I feel like I live in my car sometimes.  Gas prices have got to come down or I will be driving a moped soon.  (That would not be a pretty sight.)  I finally arrived at work around 11:30am.  My first thought was, I should have taken the day off.  My job has been pretty stressful lately and I just wasn't feeling it today. 

As the afternoon progressed, I caught myself feeling overwhelmed.  I have ADD and in order to not get overwhelmed and completely behind in my work, I have to be extremely organized and focused.  It just wasn't happening today.  My mind drifted from thoughts of my children, my brother-in-law who was scheduled for a biopsy today, my nieces and nephew, my "adopted" son who is in Japan, my best friend, events of the past few months, future plans, finances, and the list could go on and on.  Five o'clock finally rolled around and I was out of there fast.  I was mentally exhausted. 

As I was driving home I caught myself praying.  My anxious mood was suddenly calmed. I felt as if God was saying to me...."What is your deal, Fredda?  Have I failed you or your family yet?"  I immediately answered, "No, Lord!"  He quickly reminded me of my favorite verse, Hebrews 13:5.  My favorite part of the verse says, "Because God has said, "Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you." 

The darkest day of my life was July14, 2004.  My daddy died of a massive heart attack.  There was no warning.  He was here one minute and gone the next.  Driving home from the hospital that night I kept praying and asking God what was I going to do without my daddy.  Why did it always seem that those I love the most leave me?  In a still, soft, and calming voice God spoke to my heart and said, "Fredda, Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."  Out of grief and despair I said, "How can I know that for sure?"  Again, in a still, soft, and calming voice God spoke to my heart and said, "I mean what I say so much, it has the same meaning backwards."  There was a bible in the back seat of my car so I pulled over on the side of the road and looked the verse up so I could see for myself.  With tears pooling up in my eyes I read the verse as it was written from left to right......"Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you."  I then read it from right to left...."You forsake I will never, You leave I will never."  I was sobbing so hard at this point there was no way I could say anything.  I was completely speechless.  The most amazing peace came over me and I was able to face the hardest days of my life as we planned my daddy's funeral and laid him to rest. 

So- to get me through the hard times in my life, to calm my anxious moods, to manage my ADD, I recall His promise.  I say often, "Good or bad the bottom line is...past behavior predicts future behavior."  His past behavior predicts His future behavior.  He has never failed me.  He has never left me.  There is no reason to fear.  There is no reason to be sad.  There is no reason to feel alone.  He will never leave me!  He will never forsake me!

Breaking the Cycle

It's been a crazy day.  Not a bad day....but a crazy one.  I had conversations with several different people today and with each conversation I caught myself saying the same thing....."The cycle needs to be broken."  I can't get that thought out of my head. 

Looking back at my own life I have continued the cycle that my parents and even grandparents were on. My grandparents were divorced, my parents divorced when I was nine years old, and even though I fought it for a long time and tried to break the cycle.....I am divorced.  My hope and prayer is my children break the cycle but in order to do that they need to be equipped with information that my ex-husband and I weren't. 

I was seventeen years old, a rising senior in high school, and worked part time at our local Wal-mart when I met a good-looking guy with black hair and the most gorgeous blue eyes.  Every girl who worked there wanted to date him.  I showed no interest and that was exactly what it took to get his attention.  We began dating and dated my entire senior year.  My goals in life started to change.  All the college applications I had filled out were no longer first priority.  A sweet deal offered to me by Furman University just wasn't as appealing as he was.  His plans were to join the United State Air Force and he wanted me to go with him.  I suppressed my lifelong dream to be a teacher and adopted his dream for me to be a military wife.  I graduated in June1987 and three months later, I was an eighteen year old military bride living in Denver, CO.  I was happy.  I was determined that my marriage would not become a statistic. 

My husband received orders and we moved from Denver, CO to Sumter, SC (Shaw Air Force Base) in December, 1987.  We settled into a routine of working, housekeeping, and hanging out with friends.  We had the typical problems that all young couples transitioning from living at home with parents to living as adults.  We ignored them at first.  My mother would tell me, "All young couples go through this but you need to tell him how you feel."  For a long time I wouldn't.  I didn't want to hurt him, hurt our marriage, or make him think that he couldn't do anything right.  He was my husband after all.  I wanted to be submissive, loving, and the caretaker. 

I finally began to talk to him about things and hoped change would come.  Things would change for a little while and when they did ....we were incredibly happy.  The problem with that was we didn't try to figure out why there were problems.  We decided to start a family and tried for quite some time before I became pregnant with our first child.  While driving to the hospital on Base one day for my OB appointment, I remember rubbing my baby bump and saying, "You are going to have a different life little one.  Your mama and daddy are going to stay married and live together forever." 

During my pregnancy, my husband decided he didn't want to re-enlist.  I was completely blown away.  Our plans were, he would spend twenty years in the Air Force and then retire.  We had it all planned out.  Winter of 1989, he started making plans to go obtain his CDL drivers license and wanted to be an over-the-road truck driver.  He talked about following in his uncles footsteps of owning his own trucking company.  I wasn't thrilled about it but supported his decision.  He started concealing information regarding the process.  I'm sure his thought process at the time was, I would be upset but he would figure it all out and I would be none the wiser.  He had to complete so many hours of training in order to become a truck driver.  His enlistment ended in March of 1990 and we moved back to our home town.  I was eight months pregnant and the thought of my husband spending countless weeks away while I was home with a newborn scared me to death.  I sucked it up and supported my husband. Hindsight is 20/20.  I didn't know it then, but I was officially on the family cycle of divorce. 

Our first son was born in May of 1990.  Twenty months later our second son was born in January of 1992.  We were faithful members of a local independent baptist church and were what appeared to be the "perfect family."  Looks were very deceiving.  We struggled in our finances, with our parents and siblings, and getting along with each other.  I remember spending many nights after putting the boys to bed on my knees in the living room praying/begging God to help me.  I wanted my marriage to last so badly.  I believed that because we were "living" for God that we would never divorce.  After all, we didn't believe in divorce. 

We continued on and the problems grew.  I would look at other couples who were older, who looked happy, and looked as if they had "made it" and thought...."we will be like them one day."  I also thought if WE (not just me and not just him) would get our finances in order, read our bibles more, study our Sunday school lessons each week, and do what everyone else in our church was doing that we would have a long and happy marriage.  I committed to do just that. 

While getting ready for church one Wednesday evening in October of 1993, I had a miscarriage.  I was devastated.  To add insult to injury, my husband didn't seem bothered by it o seemed to care.  He told me we just needed to hurry up and get to church.  The ride to church was very quiet.  In most independent baptist churches husbands and wives do not sit together.  The "godlier/godliest" men sit on the front rows and the wives sit somewhere else.  We walked into church and he went to his normal seat on the front row and the boys and I went to mine.    Our typical Wednesday night service consisted of singing several hymns, special music, alter prayer, a devotion, and then the congregation taking turns testifying of God's love, mercy, and salvation.  Everyone and I do mean everyone was expected to at least stand up and say, "I'm glad I'm saved" and sit down.  I just couldn't that night.  My heart was breaking plus I felt extremely weak and faint.  On the ride home I was asked why I didn't testify.  All I could do was look at him.  He didn't ask, "how are you feeling, do you need to go to the hospital?"  I was on the cycle of divorce at a high rate of speed but was too hurt to say anything.  I refused to tell anyone what was going on because I didn't want anyone to think badly of my husband. 

In October of 1994 we were blessed with a daughter.  I felt like our family was finally complete and we would definitely stay together and be happy.  As time went on our problems increased.  Keeping our head above water financially, emotionally, and spiritually would have been wonderful but at this point we were snorkeling.  We began to argue.  I read everything I could get my hands on regarding how to have a happy christian marriage.  I listened to "Focus on The Family" every day.  I even recorded it in hopes he would listen to it also.  (Let me detour here....we did not have a television because it was considered the "evil box" and we only listened to two radio stations....extreme fundamental and legalistic christian radio stations of course.)   I begged for us to go to counseling, for him to read the books, for us to do something to save our marriage. I did not want to go through a divorce.  He just didn't see it as I did.  After all, his parents had been married forever.  He had not experienced divorce in his family as I had.   We were spinning uncontrollably on the cycle of divorce.

Four years later, I had grown cold.  I felt like I had exhausted every avenue to make my marriage work.  I planned to leave.  I found myself in an emotional affair with another man.  We were good friends but I found myself attracted to how sensitive and attentive he was.  (Let me detour again and say.....regardless of what others may have thought, I did not have a physical affair with this man.  I understand how hard that is to believe but it is the truth.  Twelve years later I don't have any reason to lie about it.)  We talked a lot and I got someone else's perspective on how I should be treated, what marriage should be like, and what I should do.  I stopped going to church as much.  I had cried out for help but did not receive any.  The kids and I moved out in January of 1999 and thus began a vicious cycle of separating and getting back together. 

We were separated from January of 1999 until July of 2000.  During this time I hired an attorney and we had gone to court for legal separation.  I built a house and right before it was finished we started attending a large southern baptist church in our town and talking about getting back together "for the kids."  BIG MISTAKE.  We should have gotten back together because we felt like WE were worth it.  We should have begged God to help us and to mold us and make us into the husband and wife that He has commanded husbands and wives to be.  We moved into the house in October of 2000 and I was absolutely miserable.  I put on a happy face though and acted like we were a happy family.  After all, that is what I had been instructed to do for years.  January 2002, I just couldn't do it anymore.  We separated again.  He moved out this time.  I was on the same cycle that my parents had been on when I was a child. 

In August of that same year, he started telling me that he would most likely be deployed overseas in January of 2003.  (He had joined the Air National Guard while we were separated.)  The kids were brought up again regarding us being together and his fear of us not being married if something were to happen to him while he was deployed.  We would get along well for a few weeks.  He came over at night to eat dinner and to tuck the kids in and then go back to his house.  Something would happen and then we would argue again.  I was on an emotional roller coaster.  One day I wanted my marriage to work and three days later I was saying I just couldn't do it anymore.  We made an appointment to go and talk to our pastor.  He didn't want to know any of details of our problems.  He asked us individually if we felt we were where we should be spiritually.  I answered, "No" and was shocked by my husband’s response of "yes."  I knew too many things that were going on and felt like there was just no way could he be.  I had witnessed in years past when his walk was very close to God.  After all, he had professed a call to preach years earlier.  We were then asked if we had completely given up on the marriage.  We both answered, "No."  We were then given the following instructions: 
1.  Confess your sins
2.  Forgive each other
3.  Cut all ties with anyone who is a threat to your marriage. (i.e.: my previous emotional affair    and people we had dated while separated)
4.  Get your spiritual life in order

We were told everything would work out if we did those things.  WRONG!!!!!!  We did those things.  We confessed to God and each other our sins.  We forgave each other.  We cut all ties with anyone who was a threat and we got our spiritual life in order.  Although this sounds like good advice it just doesn't work.  It didn't work for us and I've watched for years how it didn't work for other couples I know.  We separated again in January of 2004.  Our divorce was final December 2005.  The cycle continued. 

The reason why it those instructions do not work is.....it's not solving the problem.  It's wishful thinking.  It's hoping that if we do all of those things everything else will fall right into place and we will live happily ever after.  WRONG AGAIN!!!  Doing those four steps is no different than putting a band-aid on an open wound that has not been cleaned of dirt and debris, irrigated, and medication applied.  Infection starts to set in and then the sore begins to ooze.  It never heals unless properly cared for.  Thus, the cycle continues. 

To break the cycle of divorce, abuse, addiction, adultery, and insecurities, we must get to the root of the problem.  We must find out exactly what it is about ourselves....not our spouse....that causes us to do the things we do.  It's a never ending process really.  We can identify the problem, work on it, re-direct our thinking, and change our actions but we must always be in tune with those things so that we will not revert back to the destructive/toxic behavior.  

I started seeing a christian counselor in 2007.  I saw her on a regular basis for a while and now see her as needed.  I’ve been amazed at what has come out during those sessions.  It's made me realize why I make/made bad choices, why I perceive things a certain way, why I couldn't break the cycle.  I wasn't equipped with the resources and knowledge to get to the root of the problem, fix it, be consciously aware of it and move on.  I have not perfected it by any means but I can say I have broken the cycle in many areas of my life and in my children's lives.  I stumble and revert back sometimes but it's not long before I re-direct my thinking, focus on God, and actively work on me. 

I didn't want to be a statistic.  I didn't want a divorce.  It still grieves me sometimes that my children did not grow up with their parents married and my grandchildren will never know what it's like to go to their "grandparents" house.  I've made some bad choices in life but it doesn't mean that I have to live with the regret of it all.  I love the part of the song that says, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us."  I don't regret my failed marriage anymore because I asked God to forgive me, my ex-husband to forgive me, my children to forgive me, and I forgave myself.  Being the recipient of forgiveness is an amazing feeling. 

My work is not done though. Thankfully we serve a God of many chances.  I have the chance to equip my children with resources and knowledge in order to break the cycle.....not just the cycle of divorce but any cycle that leads to destructive behavior.  I can break the cycle that they do not have to put on a front of being perfect in order to be accepted by their spouse, their friends, and their church.  I want them to be so in tune with God and themselves that they will not experience what I have or make the same mistakes I have.   I have been blessed with three amazing kids.  They will struggle with the consequences of choices their dad and I made/make but they know they can break the cycle and I will be there along the way to help. 

I love you Kellan, Kyle, and Kennedy to my core!! 

Empty and Broken

I thought when I started this blog that it would be a story of my life in chronological order but God changed my direction this morning.  So- bear with my ADD and as I follow what God has laid on my heart to write. 

I had a really hard time sleeping last night.  I could not shut my mind off.  Disappointment, sadness, confusion, but yet hope and desire flooded my thoughts.  A movie of the mistakes of my adult life kept playing in my mind.  It went on for hours.  You know the type.  During the commercial breaks of your favorite television show a high budget movie with A-list actors advertises.  You are interested and you anticipate the day it will be in theatres.  The day finally arrives, you go to your local theatre, popcorn and coke in hand, you find a seat and wait anxiously for the movie to start.  It begins and the story line seems to drag, it's hard to follow because the scenes keep changing from present day activities to activities in the past.  The typical movie lasts about ninety minutes but over two hours have passed and the end seems nowhere in sight.  You are relieved when it's finally over and walk out with mixed reviews.  Well.....that's exactly what happened to me last night.  I've had mixed emotions all morning about my movie. 

For those of you that know me well know that I love my "porch time."  Sitting in my rocking chair on the back porch this morning, I just started praying....out loud might I add.  Thankfully my back yard is woods....I'm sure if my neighbors heard me they would have called the men in white jackets to come and get me.  When I pray, I talk to God as if I were talking to my best friend.  After all...He is.  (Proverbs 18:24 - A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. NIV)  Anyway, I was asking for understanding, truth, and direction.  I poured my heart out about how I feel empty and broken, what I want, what I feel like I need, how low I feel, and how vulnerable I feel.  I confessed that I don't deserve His grace, mercy, love, and restoration.  While praying the words of the song, "He Didn't Throw The Clay Away" came pouring out of my heart and mouth.  I haven't heard that song in years.  Tears began to roll down my cheeks and all I could do was thank Him.  He should be done with me.  I should be placed on a shelf never to be used by Him again.....but thankfully that is NOT His plan.  He uses messed up people. He is a God of second, third, fourth, and on and on chances.  I have no clue what God has in store for my life but I do know He didn't throw THIS clay away!!!

Empty and Broken, I came Back to Him
A Vessel Unworthy, so scarred from Sin.
But He did not Despair… He Started over again
And I Bless the Day, HE didn’t Throw the Clay Away.

Over and Over, He Molds Me and Makes Me,
Into His likeness, He fashions the clay.
A vessel of Honor, I Am today,
All because Jesus Didn’t Throw The Clay Away.

He is the Potter… I am the Clay
And Molded in His Image, HE wants me to Stay.
Oh, but when I Stumble…
When I Fall… When My Vessel Breaks,
He just Picks up those Pieces,
He does not Throw the Clay Away…

Over and Over, He Molds Me and Makes Me,
Into His Likeness, He Fashions the Clay.
A Vessel of Honor, I Am Today,
All Because Jesus Didn’t Throw The Clay Away.
A Vessel of Honor, I Am Today,

It’s all because Jesus didn’t throw the clay away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRbWAtU6LPw

                        

March 29, 1969

It all began on Saturday, March 29, 1969.  I am the second child born to Neal (Bub) and Tibby Lee. My sister, Candi, is three years older.  I always wanted a baby brother...but never got it. 

I've been told my entire life that I was a miracle.  At just two weeks old, I gave my parents a scare that they would never forget.  Mother talks about it often.....even forty-one years later...but daddy didn't speak of it very much.  I honestly believe it scared him so bad he didn't want to re-live it.  I was given paregoric because I had colic.  Mother laid me down for a nap and when she went in to check on me she discovered I wasn't breathing.  A neighbor rushed me to the hospital where I was admitted for observation.  My parents were told they would have to keep me awake for twenty-four hours.  Doctors were fearful that if I went to sleep that I would die.  My parents, grandmother, and several aunts stayed up around the clock and did everything from holding me, bouncing me, and even pinching me to keep me awake. Prayers were answered, faith was restored, and hearts were filled with thankfulness when the last minute of the dreaded twenty-four hours had passed.  Truly God had a purpose for my life even then. 

Funny how history repeats itself, many years later I experienced something very similar as a parent.  I will get to that in a later post. 

Me? Lord, are you sure?

Anxious, blank, numb, excited, undeserving, fearful, and blessed!  I don't know any other way to describe what I am feeling right now.  This is the beginning of a journey that I have absolutely no clue where it will lead me to or where the final destination will be.  So....let's get started. 

Place:  Warrior Stadium, West Oak High School, Westminster, SC.
When:  Fall 2009
Event:  Varsity Football Game
People:  Wanda, Karen, Becky, Me
Conversation:  God

I left my house on a warm fall night headed to watch my daughter cheer in a varsity football game.  It's what I did every Friday night.  In the south, high school and college football is a tradition, a way of life, it's a religion.  I sat with the same friends every week.  We are like family.  Wanda is the "mama" of the group. She is beautiful, kind, sweet, loving, and giving.  She is a prayer warrior.  She is very godly.  Her walk truly backs up her talk.   I love her dearly but she makes me nervous.  (That doesn't happen often to me.  I can carry on a conversation with anyone.)  She has a way that before you know it you are spilling your heart to her. 

The Friday night I am speaking of was no different than any other Friday night at a football game with my friends.....so I thought.  God had a different plan.  Walking to our cars, Wanda pulled me to the side and said, "Tell me your story."  I stopped in my tracks.  I immediately felt God whisper to me...."this is the beginning."  It took my breath away.  I gave Wanda an abbreviated version of my childhood, married life, and life as a single mother.  I talked about trials, triumphs, and times I felt like I was at a standstill in life.  We laughed and we cried.  Wanda said to me, "You have to share this with other women."  I just looked at her, eyes filling up with tears, and said, "I don't know how, I can't, I don't know where to start."     She looked and pointed her finger at me and said, "I'm going to pray for you girl.  God is going to use you."  With a lump in my throat, my heart beating out of my chest, all I could utter was, "thank you." 

For eighteen months her words have haunted me.  I've spent a lot of time praying about it and a lot of time running from it.  My walk with God during this time was not consistent.  I strayed far from Him and made some bad choices.  The last few weeks though have brought me to my knees asking God for forgiveness and surrendering to His plan for my life.

So-this blog will be my story.  You will have to forgive my writing style, grammar, and my brutal honesty.  I will write the same way as if I was verbally telling you.  I have to be true to God and true to myself.   My prayer is that if I can help at least one person....it will be worth it all.