My mother makes the statement often, "When Fredda sets her mind to do something, you can bet it's going to be done." I appreciate her saying that but I always cringe when I hear it. I just don't see myself that way. As a single mother I know there are many things I have to take care of myself. I handle the finances, have the oil changed, change light bulbs, replace air filters, take out the garbage, cook, clean, do the laundry, provide clothing and shelter for my children, etc. I see it as my responsibility not that I have set my mind to do something. If something needs to be done I either do it or I hire someone to do it. Period!
My friend Darla describes me as very strong and independent. Just like with mother, I cringe when I hear her say that. I don't see myself as strong and independent at all. I know my weaknesses. I hate feeling vulnerable. I have to stay on a schedule or my life will get out of control fast. Because of an unstable childhood and marriage, I crave stability. I had to get to the point where I looked to God for stability and find stability within myself. I don't see that as making me strong and independent, I see it as I did what I had to do in order to survive and still do.
As I told you in a previous post, it took me a long time to share with others concerning the problems in my marriage. My family knew absolutely nothing concerning our problems when my husband and I first separated in 1999. However, a few years earlier while visiting with my Mema she pulled me to the side and said, "I don't know what is going on but I want you to know there are worse things than being alone." I looked at her and only said, "Yes ma'am." Her words pierced my heart but also gave me courage. I realized then that I could make it on my own and being single and lonely wasn’t near as painful as being married and lonely.
I make the statement often, "I don't have to have a man in order to survive." I'm sure it comes across as cocky but that is not at all how I mean it. I mean it as I don't need a man to support me or my children. I know some women who think they just can't function financially, physically, or emotionally without a man. I do not feel that way. I don't look at men as someone who is a candidate for the "supplier of my needs." Instead, I think a man should be a woman’s partner, her equal, lover, friend, and confidant. I have learned to trust in God for the things I need and to use the knowledge and resources He has supplied me with to take care of my needs.
I was talking to someone recently and I shared with him how Darla describes me. He looked at me and said, "Yeah, I see that." It was the next sentence he spoke that has really been bothering me. He said, "You come across as you don't need anyone." His tone was not malicious or unkind. As far as I know, he has no clue that his statement really threw me for a loop. I immediately started thinking of everyone I feel like I need in my life. I've realized since he made that statement, I have kept the people in my life that I love and need from knowing in some way, shape, or form that I do need them. I ignored the fact that everyone wants to feel needed by the ones they love. I don't love easily but those I do love I show them love easily. I have figured out that subconsciously I think if I admit that I need someone it shows weakness, sets me up for rejection, and ultimately to be hurt. I lived miserable for many years and I have the mindset now that I refuse to live that way ever again. Because of that mentality, I obviously come across as I don't need anyone. The truth of the matter is...I do need people. The last few weeks I’ve had to admit that to myself and now it’s time to admit it to others.
The task before me now is to make known to the people in my life that I truly need them. I won't name names now but I will say........If you have been an active part in my life within the last two years, please know and believe I love you and .......I NEED YOU!!!!
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