Never Alone

Three out of four of my posts have drained me emotionally.  Don't get me wrong....I'm not complaining.  The first post was scary to write.  It was taking the first step in doing what God had been dealing with me for months about.  The second post was easy to write.  It was just telling a story I had been told my entire life.  The third made me feel very vulnerable.  It showed weakness and strength.  It showed defeat but yet hope.  The fourth.....Wow!!.... It took a lot out of me.  It forced me to remember moments of my life that were very emotional for me.  I had suppressed a lot of those emotions but writing them down last night was freeing.  When I finished I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of my chest. 

I wanted today's post to not be as "heavy" as those were.  I tried to think of something funny to say, tell some cute story about my kids, or something Candi and I did growing up that our mother still doesn't know about but I couldn't think of anything. I tried to think about the events of the day but again nothing came to mind that was funny.  All that came to mind to describe the day was my favorite bible verse. 

I always struggle this time of year with the time change.  I am a night owl and the effects of losing an hour of sleep stays with me for a good month or more.  It seems sometimes just when I get used to the time change it changes again.  I slowly crawled out of bed this morning not looking forward to the busy day ahead of me.  I would have given my first born to Father Time just to have one more hour of sleep.  ( Kellan - I change my mind now...love you...mean it  :) ) 

Anyway....Kennedy and I left the house early this morning headed to Greenville for an appointment with an ENT.  She has to have surgery in a few weeks to remove her tonsils and adenoids.  She has suffered with chronic sinusitis and strep for a long time.  Hopefully, she will finally be completely well after having the surgery. 

After leaving the doctor’s office, we headed back to Easley so she could go to school and then I headed to Anderson for work.  I feel like I live in my car sometimes.  Gas prices have got to come down or I will be driving a moped soon.  (That would not be a pretty sight.)  I finally arrived at work around 11:30am.  My first thought was, I should have taken the day off.  My job has been pretty stressful lately and I just wasn't feeling it today. 

As the afternoon progressed, I caught myself feeling overwhelmed.  I have ADD and in order to not get overwhelmed and completely behind in my work, I have to be extremely organized and focused.  It just wasn't happening today.  My mind drifted from thoughts of my children, my brother-in-law who was scheduled for a biopsy today, my nieces and nephew, my "adopted" son who is in Japan, my best friend, events of the past few months, future plans, finances, and the list could go on and on.  Five o'clock finally rolled around and I was out of there fast.  I was mentally exhausted. 

As I was driving home I caught myself praying.  My anxious mood was suddenly calmed. I felt as if God was saying to me...."What is your deal, Fredda?  Have I failed you or your family yet?"  I immediately answered, "No, Lord!"  He quickly reminded me of my favorite verse, Hebrews 13:5.  My favorite part of the verse says, "Because God has said, "Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you." 

The darkest day of my life was July14, 2004.  My daddy died of a massive heart attack.  There was no warning.  He was here one minute and gone the next.  Driving home from the hospital that night I kept praying and asking God what was I going to do without my daddy.  Why did it always seem that those I love the most leave me?  In a still, soft, and calming voice God spoke to my heart and said, "Fredda, Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."  Out of grief and despair I said, "How can I know that for sure?"  Again, in a still, soft, and calming voice God spoke to my heart and said, "I mean what I say so much, it has the same meaning backwards."  There was a bible in the back seat of my car so I pulled over on the side of the road and looked the verse up so I could see for myself.  With tears pooling up in my eyes I read the verse as it was written from left to right......"Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you."  I then read it from right to left...."You forsake I will never, You leave I will never."  I was sobbing so hard at this point there was no way I could say anything.  I was completely speechless.  The most amazing peace came over me and I was able to face the hardest days of my life as we planned my daddy's funeral and laid him to rest. 

So- to get me through the hard times in my life, to calm my anxious moods, to manage my ADD, I recall His promise.  I say often, "Good or bad the bottom line is...past behavior predicts future behavior."  His past behavior predicts His future behavior.  He has never failed me.  He has never left me.  There is no reason to fear.  There is no reason to be sad.  There is no reason to feel alone.  He will never leave me!  He will never forsake me!