It's been a crazy day. Not a bad day....but a crazy one. I had conversations with several different people today and with each conversation I caught myself saying the same thing....."The cycle needs to be broken." I can't get that thought out of my head.
Looking back at my own life I have continued the cycle that my parents and even grandparents were on. My grandparents were divorced, my parents divorced when I was nine years old, and even though I fought it for a long time and tried to break the cycle.....I am divorced. My hope and prayer is my children break the cycle but in order to do that they need to be equipped with information that my ex-husband and I weren't.
I was seventeen years old, a rising senior in high school, and worked part time at our local Wal-mart when I met a good-looking guy with black hair and the most gorgeous blue eyes. Every girl who worked there wanted to date him. I showed no interest and that was exactly what it took to get his attention. We began dating and dated my entire senior year. My goals in life started to change. All the college applications I had filled out were no longer first priority. A sweet deal offered to me by Furman University just wasn't as appealing as he was. His plans were to join the United State Air Force and he wanted me to go with him. I suppressed my lifelong dream to be a teacher and adopted his dream for me to be a military wife. I graduated in June1987 and three months later, I was an eighteen year old military bride living in Denver, CO.
I was happy. I was determined that my marriage would not become a statistic.
My husband received orders and we moved from Denver, CO to Sumter, SC (Shaw Air Force Base) in December, 1987. We settled into a routine of working, housekeeping, and hanging out with friends. We had the typical problems that all young couples transitioning from living at home with parents to living as adults. We ignored them at first. My mother would tell me, "All young couples go through this but you need to tell him how you feel." For a long time I wouldn't. I didn't want to hurt him, hurt our marriage, or make him think that he couldn't do anything right. He was my husband after all. I wanted to be submissive, loving, and the caretaker.
I finally began to talk to him about things and hoped change would come. Things would change for a little while and when they did ....we were incredibly happy. The problem with that was we didn't try to figure out why there were problems. We decided to start a family and tried for quite some time before I became pregnant with our first child. While driving to the hospital on Base one day for my OB appointment, I remember rubbing my baby bump and saying, "You are going to have a different life little one. Your mama and daddy are going to stay married and live together forever."
During my pregnancy, my husband decided he didn't want to re-enlist. I was completely blown away. Our plans were, he would spend twenty years in the Air Force and then retire. We had it all planned out. Winter of 1989, he started making plans to go obtain his CDL drivers license and wanted to be an over-the-road truck driver. He talked about following in his uncles footsteps of owning his own trucking company. I wasn't thrilled about it but supported his decision. He started concealing information regarding the process. I'm sure his thought process at the time was, I would be upset but he would figure it all out and I would be none the wiser. He had to complete so many hours of training in order to become a truck driver. His enlistment ended in March of 1990 and we moved back to our home town. I was eight months pregnant and the thought of my husband spending countless weeks away while I was home with a newborn scared me to death. I sucked it up and supported my husband. Hindsight is 20/20. I didn't know it then, but I was officially on the family cycle of divorce.
Our first son was born in May of 1990. Twenty months later our second son was born in January of 1992. We were faithful members of a local independent baptist church and were what appeared to be the "perfect family." Looks were very deceiving. We struggled in our finances, with our parents and siblings, and getting along with each other. I remember spending many nights after putting the boys to bed on my knees in the living room praying/begging God to help me. I wanted my marriage to last so badly. I believed that because we were "living" for God that we would never divorce. After all, we didn't believe in divorce.
We continued on and the problems grew. I would look at other couples who were older, who looked happy, and looked as if they had "made it" and thought...."we will be like them one day." I also thought if WE (not just me and not just him) would get our finances in order, read our bibles more, study our Sunday school lessons each week, and do what everyone else in our church was doing that we would have a long and happy marriage. I committed to do just that.
While getting ready for church one Wednesday evening in October of 1993, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. To add insult to injury, my husband didn't seem bothered by it o seemed to care. He told me we just needed to hurry up and get to church. The ride to church was very quiet. In most independent baptist churches husbands and wives do not sit together. The "godlier/godliest" men sit on the front rows and the wives sit somewhere else. We walked into church and he went to his normal seat on the front row and the boys and I went to mine. Our typical Wednesday night service consisted of singing several hymns, special music, alter prayer, a devotion, and then the congregation taking turns testifying of God's love, mercy, and salvation. Everyone and I do mean everyone was expected to at least stand up and say, "I'm glad I'm saved" and sit down. I just couldn't that night. My heart was breaking plus I felt extremely weak and faint. On the ride home I was asked why I didn't testify. All I could do was look at him. He didn't ask, "how are you feeling, do you need to go to the hospital?" I was on the cycle of divorce at a high rate of speed but was too hurt to say anything. I refused to tell anyone what was going on because I didn't want anyone to think badly of my husband.
In October of 1994 we were blessed with a daughter. I felt like our family was finally complete and we would definitely stay together and be happy. As time went on our problems increased. Keeping our head above water financially, emotionally, and spiritually would have been wonderful but at this point we were snorkeling. We began to argue. I read everything I could get my hands on regarding how to have a happy christian marriage. I listened to "Focus on The Family" every day. I even recorded it in hopes he would listen to it also. (Let me detour here....we did not have a television because it was considered the "evil box" and we only listened to two radio stations....extreme fundamental and legalistic christian radio stations of course.) I begged for us to go to counseling, for him to read the books, for us to do something to save our marriage. I did not want to go through a divorce. He just didn't see it as I did. After all, his parents had been married forever. He had not experienced divorce in his family as I had. We were spinning uncontrollably on the cycle of divorce.
Four years later, I had grown cold. I felt like I had exhausted every avenue to make my marriage work. I planned to leave. I found myself in an emotional affair with another man. We were good friends but I found myself attracted to how sensitive and attentive he was. (Let me detour again and say.....regardless of what others may have thought, I did not have a physical affair with this man. I understand how hard that is to believe but it is the truth. Twelve years later I don't have any reason to lie about it.) We talked a lot and I got someone else's perspective on how I should be treated, what marriage should be like, and what I should do. I stopped going to church as much. I had cried out for help but did not receive any. The kids and I moved out in January of 1999 and thus began a vicious cycle of separating and getting back together.
We were separated from January of 1999 until July of 2000. During this time I hired an attorney and we had gone to court for legal separation. I built a house and right before it was finished we started attending a large southern baptist church in our town and talking about getting back together "for the kids." BIG MISTAKE. We should have gotten back together because we felt like WE were worth it. We should have begged God to help us and to mold us and make us into the husband and wife that He has commanded husbands and wives to be. We moved into the house in October of 2000 and I was absolutely miserable. I put on a happy face though and acted like we were a happy family. After all, that is what I had been instructed to do for years. January 2002, I just couldn't do it anymore. We separated again. He moved out this time. I was on the same cycle that my parents had been on when I was a child.
In August of that same year, he started telling me that he would most likely be deployed overseas in January of 2003. (He had joined the Air National Guard while we were separated.) The kids were brought up again regarding us being together and his fear of us not being married if something were to happen to him while he was deployed. We would get along well for a few weeks. He came over at night to eat dinner and to tuck the kids in and then go back to his house. Something would happen and then we would argue again. I was on an emotional roller coaster. One day I wanted my marriage to work and three days later I was saying I just couldn't do it anymore. We made an appointment to go and talk to our pastor. He didn't want to know any of details of our problems. He asked us individually if we felt we were where we should be spiritually. I answered, "No" and was shocked by my husband’s response of "yes." I knew too many things that were going on and felt like there was just no way could he be. I had witnessed in years past when his walk was very close to God.
After all, he had professed a call to preach years earlier. We were then asked if we had completely given up on the marriage. We both answered, "No." We were then given the following instructions:
1. Confess your sins
2. Forgive each other
3. Cut all ties with anyone who is a threat to your marriage. (i.e.: my previous emotional affair
and people we had dated while separated)
4. Get your spiritual life in order
We were told everything would work out if we did those things. WRONG!!!!!! We did those things. We confessed to God and each other our sins. We forgave each other. We cut all ties with anyone who was a threat and we got our spiritual life in order. Although this sounds like good advice it just doesn't work. It didn't work for us and I've watched for years how it didn't work for other couples I know. We separated again in January of 2004.
Our divorce was final December 2005.
The cycle continued.
The reason why it those instructions do not work is.....it's not solving the problem. It's wishful thinking. It's hoping that if we do all of those things everything else will fall right into place and we will live happily ever after. WRONG AGAIN!!! Doing those four steps is no different than putting a band-aid on an open wound that has not been cleaned of dirt and debris, irrigated, and medication applied. Infection starts to set in and then the sore begins to ooze. It never heals unless properly cared for. Thus, the cycle continues.
To break the cycle of divorce, abuse, addiction, adultery, and insecurities, we must get to the root of the problem. We must find out exactly what it is about ourselves....not our spouse....that causes us to do the things we do. It's a never ending process really. We can identify the problem, work on it, re-direct our thinking, and change our actions but we must always be in tune with those things so that we will not revert back to the destructive/toxic behavior.
I started seeing a christian counselor in 2007. I saw her on a regular basis for a while and now see her as needed. I’ve been amazed at what has come out during those sessions.
It's made me realize why I make/made bad choices, why I perceive things a certain way, why I couldn't break the cycle. I wasn't equipped with the resources and knowledge to get to the root of the problem, fix it, be consciously aware of it and move on. I have not perfected it by any means but I can say I have broken the cycle in many areas of my life and in my children's lives. I stumble and revert back sometimes but it's not long before I re-direct my thinking, focus on God, and actively work on me.
I didn't want to be a statistic. I didn't want a divorce. It still grieves me sometimes that my children did not grow up with their parents married and my grandchildren will never know what it's like to go to their "grandparents" house. I've made some bad choices in life but it doesn't mean that I have to live with the regret of it all. I love the part of the song that says, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us." I don't regret my failed marriage anymore because I asked God to forgive me, my ex-husband to forgive me, my children to forgive me, and I forgave myself. Being the recipient of forgiveness is an amazing feeling.
My work is not done though. Thankfully we serve a God of many chances. I have the chance to equip my children with resources and knowledge in order to break the cycle.....not just the cycle of divorce but any cycle that leads to destructive behavior. I can break the cycle that they do not have to put on a front of being perfect in order to be accepted by their spouse, their friends, and their church.
I want them to be so in tune with God and themselves that they will not experience what I have or make the same mistakes I have. I have been blessed with three amazing kids. They will struggle with the consequences of choices their dad and I made/make but they know they can break the cycle and I will be there along the way to help.
I love you Kellan, Kyle, and Kennedy to my core!!
